parade floats and satellites.

Certain things trigger the realization of what is here and what is there. Often times, here is there and there is here…but that’s a bit too OVERLOADED to get into right now. I’m pretty sure dancing crabs and flying octopi will figure all that out before I can manage to.

Anyhow…considering my impending departure/arrival/pause/beginning/end I’ve had “here and there” on my mind. I’ve tried to force it out…things are easier when they’re forced from your mind. Unfortunately, these things can’t be forced out and away…they can’t even be forced to move slightly aside in order to let other STUFF take the lead.

And so…that being said…
I was remembering the El Paso Thanksgiving Day parade the other day! Of all the things in the world that could have come to mind concerning ‘here and there’…that ridiculous parade was on my mind all day yesterday. I mentioned to a dear friend that I want to build a parade float. I also want to ride on the El Paso Sheriff horses. I also want to pinch one of the Shriners’ little cars and go freewheeling through the streets of central El Paso. Ahhh…maybe someday…
El Paso’s Thanksgiving Day parade is quite a sight to behold. Not because the floats are incredible or because the marching bands are AWESOME…it’s a sight because of the folks that line the sides of the roads. All the beautifully bizarre and ever interesting “borderness” of the city comes out to play. I would paint a detailed picture but that would be too large of a digression.

Quite simply, after remembering that silly parade I giggled about something. (I used to go on my dad’s shoulders when I was young…and the family would stop in at Paul Moreno’s for menudo and donuts. I still remember how cool it felt to be eating menudo in some office on the parade road.) My brain, rather than sincerely and sentimentally reflecting on “here and there” switched itself into self defense mode and chose to remember that ridiculous parade. And so I giggled.
You see, the truth is that I can’t figure out how to handle departures and arrivals…I’ve never been able to. In hindsight, I tend to destroy things before I say goodbye to them…so that the goodbye can somehow be blamed on something specific, the goodbye can be looked at as a completely unavoidable situation, rather than a choice I have made. Spoiling things before they had to end always made it possible to defy or deny the inevitability of the movement in life. It made letting go easier.

This ending is not something I want to spoil. It’s supposed to be hard…quite frankly, there is nothing on the planet I could ever possibly do to make it any easier. It has to be hard. To deny that would insult the nature of all the beauty. And so…instead of allowing myself to think about the reality of THIS goodbye, I think about the El Paso Parade and my brother doing sweet burn outs in rainy weather, my mother and her wine on the wall pose and my Auntie Norma’s crazy cane use when it gets dark outside.

Perhaps some honesty will help release a bit of the pressure. When I left home, I was absolutely terrified. I’m not the type of lady who can go on fearlessly. Quite frankly, I’m pretty much afraid of everything. This fear is something that has been in me for years. I’ve never had many reasons to be afraid of some of the things I’m afraid of. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of most of the time! All I can say is that there is something inside me that makes me scared. I battled with myself and others over whether it was simply insecurity…self doubt. of course that is indeed partially to blame but it’s not that.

I tend to go at things blindly. I’ve convinced myself that the ESSENCE of anything is sucked out of it if you try to plan too much. The less you plan the more reality you taste. Of course, after this last year in faraway land, I’ve realized some planning is usually good…but I’ll still stand by the principle that too much planning is never necessary.

I find myself still approaching things relatively blindly. And so, I realize, perhaps my fears are born out of the fact that because I don’t want to be in control, there is a high chance my life will always be driven by chaos and unpredictable details. There are sirens in the distance always warning me of how dangerous that is…how nonsensical it might be. I have no absolute clue what my route out of Bhutan is going to be…no clue what I will see. Only a small and vague idea of what it is I want to see.

I’ll touch the clouds once more…before my satellite lands in the desert lands again, back on earth’s level. I’ll spend hours travelling through mountains and clouds…along the first long mountain snake I had the pleasure of travelling upon. I told someone I would satellite land in El Paso. This particular type of landing implies that I have been in orbit. How appropriate. I’m only glad I didn’t go completely off course. (admittedly, I thought I would definitely spin out at least twice) That alone is quite an accomplishment for a gal like me.

Granted, I didn’t exactly have any particular course…but the course that revealed itself to me did so beautifully. All I had to do was know when to give it some gas, when to give it some breaks and when to bust that crazy Bhutanese u-turn.

All that being said, I know this chunk of whatever the course of my life will be, is over. I won’t be leaving necessarily…a part of me will always remain here, no matter where I go…no matter how long it takes for me to return. Likewise, Bhutan will always remain in me. I have come to love so many things in Bhutan. It’s a very different kind of love…a love I’ve never known. It’s love for a place…love for the complexities this place houses. Love for ideas and moments, love for the untouchable unidentifiable things only the secret language of my soul can speak of. Love for family and friends I didn’t know I had…I didn’t even know existed. Love for truth and acceptance, love for reconciliation and love for change no matter how brutally it may throw itself at me.

I’m sure everyone’s eyes are opened to the beauty of their home once they leave it. In the case of El Paso, that beauty was often overshadowed easily for me on account of the frustration that I often felt building in that town. I would never say I despise or did despise El Paso, but confess I was never truly conscious of the love I had for the town. Because of the love that I realized after leaving, I have been able to understand and nurture carefully, during its growth, the love I have for Bhutan. I simultaneously fell in love with two places at once…for the unique realities they both offer, for their simple facades that contradict their complex underbellies.

It’s a hard thing to fall in love with two places at once. It’s especially difficult when those two places are on opposite sides of planet Earth. It is made even more difficult when the love you have for something is fueled by reconciliation, brutal honesty, unfortunate unfair circumstances and the ever-quietly-present overwhelming WHOA of reality (nothing trite or dream-like about it).

Xochitl's time in Bhutan has not been spent in “Shangri-La”. Had I come to this Kingdom on some other kind of mission (the kind that grants you the right to wear a laminated badge with a bad mug shot on it) I might see things differently, but the implications of my existence here have not allowed me to be perpetually swept away by some heavenly fantasy. The things I have seen, been a part of, heard touched tasted smelled…a great percentage of these things have been born of a place that exists far far far from paradise.

I hope I won’t be misunderstood. I can absolutely understand and have witnessed everyday why people refer to the Kingdom so. I have been caught, at certain moments, and taken away to some other place that is not earth. I have happily catapulted myself into that fantasy with reckless abandon! (i smile) I’ve had the opportunity to touch clouds, feel them upon my face. I have seen mountains existing as living giants, softly stirring and rumbling my insides. I have seen the sky swallow the earth…I have seen the earth challenge the sky. (it’s a peacefully particular battle) I have watched the oldest of the elephant kings and queens sit upon their throwns across the river from the Paro-Thimphu snake. I’ve danced in the valley of the black neck crane. I’ve floated down a river on my back watching the Indian sun set in red explosion. I named a Himalayan yak “Bob”. I’ve discovered secret places in hidden shadows among these incredible mountains…places I maybe wasn’t necessarily expected to find. I have smiled and floated among and within the intangible. I have shared more than a year of my life with beautiful children from a faraway land whose voices chime away any sadness, unfairness or ugliness that may boil around them. Within their voices I have found some truth…I have found hope.

In the end of it all…I understand that two things happened simultaneously. I came here on one of the most ultimate searches of my life (had no clue what EXACTLY I was searching for). In that search I discovered that I really only had to admit to myself that Xochitl Rodriguez wants to search for the search. While that was my personal desire, there was something more important that I came here to do. I came here for the children. Now, fun time work time with children is very difficult when “the search” is constantly demanding vulnerability. It’s not an easy thing to be vulnerable to mystery, while trying to help youth find their answers. What a dream of an adventure!

Of course within and beyond these two branches of the tree, there are many leaves that have whirled into the wind, fallen to the ground or wait patiently too sprout up into the air. But, all those leaves have either fallen into the bonus category or the “too bizarre to be concerned with” category. (‘bonus’ category including a few incredible souls and ALL THESE MOUNTAINS, ‘too bizarre to be concerned with’ category including the blah blah of bad bad vultures and wolves.)
Thanks are owed to my family, for helping me grow into a woman who really only focuses on the essence of her mission and smiles for the bonus categories in her life, who lets the “too bizarre to be concerned with” category fall to the periphery. Thanks are owed to my family for helping me grow into a woman who can sometimes (in moments of alchemistic practice) transform everything so that it may fall into the bonus category…regardless of how wolf-like or vulture-ish it may be.

I must also express how incredible it feels to have developed a more concrete personal understanding of beauty. Beauty is not necessarily something that is pleasant or easy. The BEST kind of beauty is the kind that has to be discovered. Bhutan has challenged me to do just that. No doubt about it, this “place” is beautiful, but that beauty is full of boundaries when compared to the beauty of Bhutan’s underbelly. Often times, it is easier to ignore things that are foreign, things that are complicated. I can only say that I am so grateful that I didn’t turn away. My experience in Bhutan was very “local”…and while some might cringe at the thought of one year submerged in the reality of a place, I don’t think I could find a bigger smile to express my joy.
The physical beauty of this place will always bring tears to my eyes. I will always feel breathless existing in places as magical as Dochula and Phobjikha. But it is Bhutan’s soul, rather, the glimpse I have had at it, that has a power over me which extends and exists far beyond the simplicity of a physical reaction.

I smile knowing that, whether I am “here” or “there”, I will have some idea as to how to go about my simultaneous dance among the clouds and with reality.

Perhaps I will write once more before leaving this mountain Kingdom…perhaps, if I find it in me, I’ll keep what is left within xoch. (words might disobey the essence of the mystery of ALL that’s remaining.)

In the meantime, I can only answer one simple question and promise what I always promise—

--“what makes everything beautiful?”

The very simple fact that “everything” is boundless-ever growing in any one of its many manifestations-makes everything beautiful. The world is truly magical if we are able to understand the power our choices have over the nature truth’s course.

As always…there is more to come.

I am forever grateful for all the beauty I had the honor of discovering while I spent my days in this place.

Soon, I’ll begin my descent into the warmth of the desert that is my home. To the flat lands I go! (throw in a few hills) To the warm embrace of my home…I return.

I smile.

I send greetings from the EVER LOVELY Kingdom of Bhutan.

it's time.
all the sirens have sung their songs...all the sirens call me home now.
simply vanish. a farewell in paint and color...laughter and hugs...a long embrace...and then my flight...toward the satelite that will carry me home. back into my mother's grace.

perhaps to drink it up...to swallow it whole and bury it deep deep down...perhaps all those other people won't be here anymore. perhaps all these things i see...will simply vanish. as bark vanishes from floating wood.

feeling and discovery

i cannot use words for all of this
and still, i type away on a mini machine

voices laughing, yelping indiscernible
language i don't know
a silver cat says hello in front of me
it is his.her perpetual hello
it is that's reminder

smoke fills lungs that used to be clean
thoughts fill a soul that used to be pure
i throw lead into the air
and dance among my short coming
the target is much too far!
the target is much too small!

i land beyond arm's length.

among mist and dampness
i plant seeds
that may never awaken to golden leaves shuddering in the light of day and moon.
an immense disappearance
an immense unknowningness

the mark cannot be seen
nor can it be touched or tasted

i go forward
with disregard for all that makes the others shrivel cringe and scowl
i go back
with diregard for all that makes my insides swirl and whirl and move outwardly
toward the weathered, stained and unkept tips of my own feeling and discovery

i am a whisper in my own ears

though...

i scream.

a loud lengthened pitch of longing
begging asking wondering
before anything goes
before the clouds consume this valley

layers upon flesh leave me
i long to be the ocean
though...
i am the cliff.
(truth and inconvenience)

hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmming.

its a new flower.
cracking black fog.
cracking green earth.

slowly climbing up the wall.
slowly climbing up the world.

nonsense.

its the bad one's way out. this and that always makes too much.
shout.
scream.
run.
smile. (it's already too late.)

you have not seen.
you have not seen the moment
that it touched the moments that it took the moments that were born.

you have to pay attention all the time. all the time.

(i try to stand alone but i always get it all wrong. thieves and clowns, bulls and birds.)

they are not.
crawl back under it. sleep right under it.
safe.

don't go home.
i've been where i would like.
i've slept where i would like.
i've screamed what i would like.
i've felt what i would like.

go home.

i would come running. i would stop this explosion, this exploring. i just wouldnt know how to get there. i wouldnt know what to do with my hair, my eyes, my nose, my ears.
i'm an island. an island in the middle of earth.

decisions?

he says it like this: "miercoles, 1...oy se presenta la realizacion."

i whispered to a friend
i might be a ghost now
i can feel the big machine asking me how i got here
i can feel the big machine asking me why i'm still here

perhaps this is a me
that was quite simply
not a written me
this was not written

i whispered to a friend
i never dreamed of this
i am sleeping to wake telling that me to sit in comfort
i am sleeping to wake telling that me i do exist

is it possible
to look in from out
see that your footsteps
are invisible

i whispered to a friend
i made a hole long ago
i am a pretend flower begging it to settle in a pool
i am a pretend flower begging it to change back

i should be honest
my wings have trouble
they were dipped in tar
dipped in lead and coal

perhaps the trail is all black

i should not exist here.
not even i, in all my booming stubborn dreams
thought i would exist here

this was not written.

HILARIOUS!

sister rinchen just came in and told me a little story about a "chillip" who requested his pay (and then some), then on saturday requested to have a half day off to move in to his new apartment...got the approval and then proceeded to bunk! he's been missing since he got his check! someone reported seeing him crossing the border to jaigaon from phuentsholing...but no one is really sure where he is...

HILARIOUS!!

this story follows a story i heard yesterday about two other "chillips" who got locked up the day their flight was leaving paro. they blocked their neighbor's gate to keep the dog in the yard (an attempt at some sort of poetic justice) and were stopped at the checkpoint between thimphu and paro, brought back to thimphu and held long enough for them to miss their flight out of bhutan!

also...HILARIOUS!!

crazy "chillips".

gold lead

a row of drips dropping
blowing blowing
feathers over breath
feathers over doom

do you like bubbles?
floating floating
pockets of laughter
pockets of fear

don't fall down flat
stumbling stumbling
feet need to stay
feet need to flee

one day they'll come around
seeing seeing

the precise how it is
of all these feathers
that drip drop slowly down
into gold lead

where are all the alchemists?

easier than land

to hold your will upon your fingers
a mighty flower
is your life
is your death.

to clench tomorrow within a web
a tired flower
is your water
is your sand.

to run down toward your low lands
a smiling flower
is your smile
is your tears.

to sing up your spine
a broken flower
is your might
is your fall.

to call upon your stranger
a strange flower
is your ears
is your eyes.

to bury yourself in clouds
a dream flower
is your hope
is your lie
is easier than land.

vacant lots

we caught a cab down from the mad and rushing market

at the bottom of the step baskets stacked on top of one another

reminded me of you

some old crates with pink trim made awkward checkered contrast

amidst a sea of sound and air

down the snake we flew and landed

in a vacant lot

sound was thin and ghosts were everywhere

childrens eyes went searching into me

...............................................i tried to breathe it in

i watched the wind try to soften the concrete

whispering softly in the cracks

the sun gleamed through thick clouds

and i

i

sat

in

disbelief

gloom's wicked daddy

slithered through the heart of air

and i stared him in his eyes (maybe theyll say i'm crazy)

you are not welcome here.

you are not welcome here anymore.

the mountains split and air disappeared

sounds cracked into echoes and faces

immediately and surrenderingly looked straight down

the battle has begun i whispered to my ghosts

as i

i

sat

in

disbelief.

that something i'm counting on

chocolate chip walnut cookies are delicious. bought me a bag at this hidden cafe, tucked away behind some thicket and a stone wall. while these cookies are delicious, i gather they're also full of large amounts of sugar...which would explain my sudden urge to ramble on about whatnot nothing and EVERYTHING (as it appears at this exact point in the relative space time continuum--which i don't believe i actually exist in).

i woke up to a very rainy thimphu. i painted for a while and the rain finally stopped. remembering that i had to use the internet, i came into town. coming into town is usually pretty 'normal'. it involves the systematic overtaking of many fellow bhutanese road warriors (they all drive terribly)...several honks and a few heart attacks later, i get over the instant onset of anxiety this 'overtaking' process causes and i arrive safely in town.

i sign on for a bit...handle the cyber business that needs be handled, then sign off and go on about whatever other silly thing i'm up to. (which, these days, usually ranges from meeting with folks for neighborhood watch...working on one of the many pieces i've not been able to complete....finding good ice cream...or reading or writing....and occassionally when i feel like being someone else i'll give my photography obligations a go) this week has been a bit different. i'm healthy again, the theater project has been completed...so i have some down time...for a couple of days.

my evenings, lately, have been occuppied sitting in a crazy office with a bunch of folk who are watching world cup...if theyre not watching world cup theyre watching highlights...and if theyre not watching highlights theyre playing worldcup on the playstation they commendeered from their 19 year old intern. of course, i have taken full advantage of this ridiculous situation and seized the opportunity to catch up with my family on skyperoo. when its evening here, its morning there!...perfect situation! lovely lovely lovely this world cup business is!

last night i talked for a while with the mom and younger brother. there's been an addition to the family. samson (delilah)-a very mysterious looking cross between a golden retriever, rot, possibly collie...etc etc unidentifiable-is the family's newest young blood. of course...he's actually my brother's dog (we're three siblings and my younger brother is the only one responsible and stable enough to care for a living thing-at this particular moment in time). so i got to see the little guy on skype lastnight. samson has eyebrows that make him look perpetually stern. he's one hell of an adorable mini. after staring at this adorable dangling creature in my mother's hands i watched him sit in my brother's lap for a while until he finally got moved to the floor. now, just before they set him on the creeky wooden floor of my home, they had given me a very long description of how well the training sessions have been going. my mother's friend loaned them a cage to help train the dog to wizz outside. after setting him on the ground, it was only moments before my brother was yelling that samson was handling his business near the door to the patio, but not quite out the door! i laughed and of course, began to remember the silly interactions that occur between my brothers, mother and me. its always very silly, and even though our tones and word choice can get pretty serious, there's hardly a completely serious moment around the house when we're all together. my ridiculous brothers deserve the credit for this fantastic interaction--they never fail to do absurd and sometimes nonsensical things. their behavior can verge on that of hyperintelligent 12 year boys...who are bored.

toward the end of the conversation, my brother brought his sweet new shades up to the computer. he put them on and hilarity reached monumental levels. of course, as things usually wind up unfolding, he got cooler and i...well i got way less cool. he proceeded to keep the humongous shades on his face for the remainder of our conversation, the entire time, my mother sitting beside him-only her face was caught by the corner of the camera frame-with 'that look' on her face. 'that look' can best be desribed as one that is simultaneously enjoying her children and thinking they are crazy and ridiculous. now, my brother is the king of cool. if he's feeling pretty "dope" (thats not the drug, its a level of AWESOME) he can sit stone cold, looking stern and fierce but still very casual and aloof. so he did that. in an attempt to keep my cool status from altogether disappearing, i tried to compare the cheap 100 ngultrum (this is equal to 2 U.S. dollars) Bay Ran shades i bought with his excessively fancy Ray Bans...no dice. of course every now and then he'd throw in a ridiculous face, but for the most part, he just sat there; his jupiter sized lenses making me feel more like pluto every minute.

its a funny thing to think of home when youre so far away. and its absolutely crazy to be able to see home via some crazy camera when youre so far away!! (i still wonder, everyday, how my photo gets across the world without anyone seeing it fly by--maybe someone does see it! creeeeeepy)

i wrote in my journal some time back that two parts of you develop when you are in such COMPLETELY different places. there's the 'home you' and then there's the 'addition you'. the addition of course, comes from the new world you've seen, the new feelings youve experienced, the new smells, tastes, sounds...the new everything you have touched. the home you...well the home you is the one that has taken almost 26 years (in my case) to grow. its a funny thing to think of travelling in your twenties. i imagine your twenties are the years when you begin to understand yourself, even if only slightly. throw in the traveling and that whole "finding yourself" thing turn into this revolving mass of something that cant be described with words.

--i will digress for a moment, and point out that your twenties should probably be broken up into a few sections. in my case particularly, my early twenties, well....they were full of sheer debacle. the lenghts to which i went in order to "find myself" were taken to a completely unacceptable level! of course, in some ways i suppose i'm happy i got a lot of it out of the way pretty quick. i've never been the kind of lady who waits for things to happen...so i guess i went desperately searching for truth and trouble, which of course showed themselves hand in hand. so...early twenties, let's leave you alone for a while. now there's the mid twenties, and i realize now, i completely chose the harder route to this crazy portion of my existence. i could very easily have gone about the mid-twenty scramble like a normal person...at home, applying to graduate school, finding a job, fixing some of the aftermath of the early twenty frenzy. generally, trying to find the easiest way to ease into the next level of "adulthood" and a proper "mature" life (superficially speaking of course). i could have stayed home and obsessed over my loan payments...or not!...considering my normal character. i could have taken on what the usual pieces of the next logical step normally are. but instead, i came across the world...and whatever i thought i had learned about myself, is completely changed now. of course, i see this as a positive, because much of what i hoped was or would be true of xoch is indeed...true. and of course, theres all the other things i'm still discover and will continue to discover. (these types of truths are relentless and ruthless) it only took half a planet, some bizarre incidents and a complete abandonment of any comfort or familiarity to smile a good smile again. i won't even try to predict what my late twenties will bring. digression complete.--

when you decide to travel, its like adding an extra layer of smoke and a few mirrors to the already seemingly endless space that is your brain. the mid twenty scramble, considering i came to "the world's last shangri la" has been simultaneously (WAY MORE) mellow that the usual mid twenty scramble might be....but in infinite ways, its been (WAY MORE) insane as well. i avoided some of the expected responsibilities a 25 year old takes on...and took on quite a few that most normal people don't encounter in their entire life. which is fine. getting your world flipped upside down, only a few months after you had finally found some equilibrium is a great adventure!

talking with my family more frequently these last few days has been lovely, but of course it makes things more difficult too. its easy to go about a different self and life when you are able to dettach from the life you moved away from...when you're able to let it go for a while. as i go about all this madness, sometimes its much easier to just seperate myself from things and make the reality i've been searching for. there's an endless number of surprises you can discover within yourself and about the world when you allow yourself to release and be released. when you allow yourself to exist somewhere wholly. (but its a bit selfish isnt it?)

...i'm afraid its always been easy for me to float into things and forget MY ACTUAL reality. it's not necessarily that i'm unhappy in my own reality...it just seems more honest to allow yourself to be in other realities. not other people's realities, simply other realities. (of course, our own reality is not singular...its always relative...so other people's realities are often times the every only...

so...after this long rant, i cant help but ask myself...your mid twenties will be finished soon, so, xoch, what on earth will you do?!

i'm going to refuse to answer that question. all i know is that this 'addition xoch' is wonderful and i'm thankful i had an opportunity to find her-even if that opportunity has involved a very insane, difficult, crazy, FANTASTIC adventure on the other side of the world. the most lovely face of 'addition xoch' is the one who realizes just how humongous everything is...and how miniscule some of these things are, these things that have spent a great portion of time trying to get the 'home xoch'.

and the final question...shall i continue the adventure?

i'll answer this question the way i usually answer difficult questions:

of course i would love to continue the adventure...but i don't know if i will have to continue it so far away from home. while i thoroughly enjoy my brother's ridiculous antics being delivered to me via (mysterious and shady) cyber waves and it fills my very soul with delight to see my mother's lovely faces (they carry the truth of life) in the corner of the cyber frame...i much prefer seeing them laugh when they ACTUALLY laugh (not five seconds later). i'm certain there's a balance somewhere out there....maybe i'll find it when i return...to the other side of planet earth...where my home is.

maybe i'll find it when that something i'm counting on...tells me "xoch, its time to return"....

a pink porcelain rose sits gently
resting in coiled aluminum

the night is bitter and moist
and those things dont usually exist
(beside one another)

such whatisit cant be shown
it cant be grabbed or touched

the nothingness that moves it
is so full of everything
(bursting at its seems)

numbing light gathers
it waits and floats splitting the thinness of the air making tiny pieces that carry minutes hours seconds

mumbles in whispers in laughter
ruthless relentless resignation

(of my voice and sound and stare.

listen carefully now.

after all this i'm only knee deep. watching black mountains turn to white, grey walls go moist in rain. pipe work takes things down below the surface...pipe work takes things out of my sight. my legs are crossed, i wear my grandmother's jogging jacket. she's been gone for a long time now. long time now. after all this, i wonder if she can still see me.

a stout horn honks...calling some someone out of their house. it honks and honks and honks. makes me realize the kind of person i might be.

sound of a numb television beeeeep hum thumps behind me, the men laugh outside as they feed their hunger. tiny specks of light catch drops of water bouncing from a blue car hood as drops of rain soflty land on a layer of water. the neighbors are collecting wood. they'll soon build another building. yet another building.

i can hear someone breathing. and then there's the old woman...graced with turquoise and coral. she smiles at me everyday. she sits in sun, counting counting counting. she's always wrapped in red... and the map of her life is etched into the dark wrinkled skin of her face. she smiles all the time.

i keep wishing i could see you on the street. magically walking up to me. we could go for a drive. i'd show you all the places where i cried when i first landed here. we could laugh together at the silly way we are. humans are so funny. maybe i could show you the turtle...or the spot by the river i found one day when all was mad and i was sad. the spot where blue water seperates from brown and gathers in a tiny pool. the way your eyes would do when light would catch their souls. i went there and thought of you. went there and wondered. about. you.

after all this i can't see the things i used to see everyday. saw the truth in my momma's eyes last night. they told me i should have thought more. they told me i knew what i was doing...somewhere in here i knew what i was doing. they told me i knew it was time. they asked me, kindly and with tremendous silence...to listen carefully now.

have you ever seen someone so.....? so lovely? i keep wishing i could see you on the street...magically walking up to me.

i'm too scared to write it for myself..so i'll write it all for you.