feeling and discovery

i cannot use words for all of this
and still, i type away on a mini machine

voices laughing, yelping indiscernible
language i don't know
a silver cat says hello in front of me
it is his.her perpetual hello
it is that's reminder

smoke fills lungs that used to be clean
thoughts fill a soul that used to be pure
i throw lead into the air
and dance among my short coming
the target is much too far!
the target is much too small!

i land beyond arm's length.

among mist and dampness
i plant seeds
that may never awaken to golden leaves shuddering in the light of day and moon.
an immense disappearance
an immense unknowningness

the mark cannot be seen
nor can it be touched or tasted

i go forward
with disregard for all that makes the others shrivel cringe and scowl
i go back
with diregard for all that makes my insides swirl and whirl and move outwardly
toward the weathered, stained and unkept tips of my own feeling and discovery

i am a whisper in my own ears

though...

i scream.

a loud lengthened pitch of longing
begging asking wondering
before anything goes
before the clouds consume this valley

layers upon flesh leave me
i long to be the ocean
though...
i am the cliff.
(truth and inconvenience)

hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmming.

its a new flower.
cracking black fog.
cracking green earth.

slowly climbing up the wall.
slowly climbing up the world.

nonsense.

its the bad one's way out. this and that always makes too much.
shout.
scream.
run.
smile. (it's already too late.)

you have not seen.
you have not seen the moment
that it touched the moments that it took the moments that were born.

you have to pay attention all the time. all the time.

(i try to stand alone but i always get it all wrong. thieves and clowns, bulls and birds.)

they are not.
crawl back under it. sleep right under it.
safe.

don't go home.
i've been where i would like.
i've slept where i would like.
i've screamed what i would like.
i've felt what i would like.

go home.

i would come running. i would stop this explosion, this exploring. i just wouldnt know how to get there. i wouldnt know what to do with my hair, my eyes, my nose, my ears.
i'm an island. an island in the middle of earth.

decisions?

he says it like this: "miercoles, 1...oy se presenta la realizacion."

i whispered to a friend
i might be a ghost now
i can feel the big machine asking me how i got here
i can feel the big machine asking me why i'm still here

perhaps this is a me
that was quite simply
not a written me
this was not written

i whispered to a friend
i never dreamed of this
i am sleeping to wake telling that me to sit in comfort
i am sleeping to wake telling that me i do exist

is it possible
to look in from out
see that your footsteps
are invisible

i whispered to a friend
i made a hole long ago
i am a pretend flower begging it to settle in a pool
i am a pretend flower begging it to change back

i should be honest
my wings have trouble
they were dipped in tar
dipped in lead and coal

perhaps the trail is all black

i should not exist here.
not even i, in all my booming stubborn dreams
thought i would exist here

this was not written.

HILARIOUS!

sister rinchen just came in and told me a little story about a "chillip" who requested his pay (and then some), then on saturday requested to have a half day off to move in to his new apartment...got the approval and then proceeded to bunk! he's been missing since he got his check! someone reported seeing him crossing the border to jaigaon from phuentsholing...but no one is really sure where he is...

HILARIOUS!!

this story follows a story i heard yesterday about two other "chillips" who got locked up the day their flight was leaving paro. they blocked their neighbor's gate to keep the dog in the yard (an attempt at some sort of poetic justice) and were stopped at the checkpoint between thimphu and paro, brought back to thimphu and held long enough for them to miss their flight out of bhutan!

also...HILARIOUS!!

crazy "chillips".