easier than land

to hold your will upon your fingers
a mighty flower
is your life
is your death.

to clench tomorrow within a web
a tired flower
is your water
is your sand.

to run down toward your low lands
a smiling flower
is your smile
is your tears.

to sing up your spine
a broken flower
is your might
is your fall.

to call upon your stranger
a strange flower
is your ears
is your eyes.

to bury yourself in clouds
a dream flower
is your hope
is your lie
is easier than land.

vacant lots

we caught a cab down from the mad and rushing market

at the bottom of the step baskets stacked on top of one another

reminded me of you

some old crates with pink trim made awkward checkered contrast

amidst a sea of sound and air

down the snake we flew and landed

in a vacant lot

sound was thin and ghosts were everywhere

childrens eyes went searching into me

...............................................i tried to breathe it in

i watched the wind try to soften the concrete

whispering softly in the cracks

the sun gleamed through thick clouds

and i

i

sat

in

disbelief

gloom's wicked daddy

slithered through the heart of air

and i stared him in his eyes (maybe theyll say i'm crazy)

you are not welcome here.

you are not welcome here anymore.

the mountains split and air disappeared

sounds cracked into echoes and faces

immediately and surrenderingly looked straight down

the battle has begun i whispered to my ghosts

as i

i

sat

in

disbelief.

that something i'm counting on

chocolate chip walnut cookies are delicious. bought me a bag at this hidden cafe, tucked away behind some thicket and a stone wall. while these cookies are delicious, i gather they're also full of large amounts of sugar...which would explain my sudden urge to ramble on about whatnot nothing and EVERYTHING (as it appears at this exact point in the relative space time continuum--which i don't believe i actually exist in).

i woke up to a very rainy thimphu. i painted for a while and the rain finally stopped. remembering that i had to use the internet, i came into town. coming into town is usually pretty 'normal'. it involves the systematic overtaking of many fellow bhutanese road warriors (they all drive terribly)...several honks and a few heart attacks later, i get over the instant onset of anxiety this 'overtaking' process causes and i arrive safely in town.

i sign on for a bit...handle the cyber business that needs be handled, then sign off and go on about whatever other silly thing i'm up to. (which, these days, usually ranges from meeting with folks for neighborhood watch...working on one of the many pieces i've not been able to complete....finding good ice cream...or reading or writing....and occassionally when i feel like being someone else i'll give my photography obligations a go) this week has been a bit different. i'm healthy again, the theater project has been completed...so i have some down time...for a couple of days.

my evenings, lately, have been occuppied sitting in a crazy office with a bunch of folk who are watching world cup...if theyre not watching world cup theyre watching highlights...and if theyre not watching highlights theyre playing worldcup on the playstation they commendeered from their 19 year old intern. of course, i have taken full advantage of this ridiculous situation and seized the opportunity to catch up with my family on skyperoo. when its evening here, its morning there!...perfect situation! lovely lovely lovely this world cup business is!

last night i talked for a while with the mom and younger brother. there's been an addition to the family. samson (delilah)-a very mysterious looking cross between a golden retriever, rot, possibly collie...etc etc unidentifiable-is the family's newest young blood. of course...he's actually my brother's dog (we're three siblings and my younger brother is the only one responsible and stable enough to care for a living thing-at this particular moment in time). so i got to see the little guy on skype lastnight. samson has eyebrows that make him look perpetually stern. he's one hell of an adorable mini. after staring at this adorable dangling creature in my mother's hands i watched him sit in my brother's lap for a while until he finally got moved to the floor. now, just before they set him on the creeky wooden floor of my home, they had given me a very long description of how well the training sessions have been going. my mother's friend loaned them a cage to help train the dog to wizz outside. after setting him on the ground, it was only moments before my brother was yelling that samson was handling his business near the door to the patio, but not quite out the door! i laughed and of course, began to remember the silly interactions that occur between my brothers, mother and me. its always very silly, and even though our tones and word choice can get pretty serious, there's hardly a completely serious moment around the house when we're all together. my ridiculous brothers deserve the credit for this fantastic interaction--they never fail to do absurd and sometimes nonsensical things. their behavior can verge on that of hyperintelligent 12 year boys...who are bored.

toward the end of the conversation, my brother brought his sweet new shades up to the computer. he put them on and hilarity reached monumental levels. of course, as things usually wind up unfolding, he got cooler and i...well i got way less cool. he proceeded to keep the humongous shades on his face for the remainder of our conversation, the entire time, my mother sitting beside him-only her face was caught by the corner of the camera frame-with 'that look' on her face. 'that look' can best be desribed as one that is simultaneously enjoying her children and thinking they are crazy and ridiculous. now, my brother is the king of cool. if he's feeling pretty "dope" (thats not the drug, its a level of AWESOME) he can sit stone cold, looking stern and fierce but still very casual and aloof. so he did that. in an attempt to keep my cool status from altogether disappearing, i tried to compare the cheap 100 ngultrum (this is equal to 2 U.S. dollars) Bay Ran shades i bought with his excessively fancy Ray Bans...no dice. of course every now and then he'd throw in a ridiculous face, but for the most part, he just sat there; his jupiter sized lenses making me feel more like pluto every minute.

its a funny thing to think of home when youre so far away. and its absolutely crazy to be able to see home via some crazy camera when youre so far away!! (i still wonder, everyday, how my photo gets across the world without anyone seeing it fly by--maybe someone does see it! creeeeeepy)

i wrote in my journal some time back that two parts of you develop when you are in such COMPLETELY different places. there's the 'home you' and then there's the 'addition you'. the addition of course, comes from the new world you've seen, the new feelings youve experienced, the new smells, tastes, sounds...the new everything you have touched. the home you...well the home you is the one that has taken almost 26 years (in my case) to grow. its a funny thing to think of travelling in your twenties. i imagine your twenties are the years when you begin to understand yourself, even if only slightly. throw in the traveling and that whole "finding yourself" thing turn into this revolving mass of something that cant be described with words.

--i will digress for a moment, and point out that your twenties should probably be broken up into a few sections. in my case particularly, my early twenties, well....they were full of sheer debacle. the lenghts to which i went in order to "find myself" were taken to a completely unacceptable level! of course, in some ways i suppose i'm happy i got a lot of it out of the way pretty quick. i've never been the kind of lady who waits for things to happen...so i guess i went desperately searching for truth and trouble, which of course showed themselves hand in hand. so...early twenties, let's leave you alone for a while. now there's the mid twenties, and i realize now, i completely chose the harder route to this crazy portion of my existence. i could very easily have gone about the mid-twenty scramble like a normal person...at home, applying to graduate school, finding a job, fixing some of the aftermath of the early twenty frenzy. generally, trying to find the easiest way to ease into the next level of "adulthood" and a proper "mature" life (superficially speaking of course). i could have stayed home and obsessed over my loan payments...or not!...considering my normal character. i could have taken on what the usual pieces of the next logical step normally are. but instead, i came across the world...and whatever i thought i had learned about myself, is completely changed now. of course, i see this as a positive, because much of what i hoped was or would be true of xoch is indeed...true. and of course, theres all the other things i'm still discover and will continue to discover. (these types of truths are relentless and ruthless) it only took half a planet, some bizarre incidents and a complete abandonment of any comfort or familiarity to smile a good smile again. i won't even try to predict what my late twenties will bring. digression complete.--

when you decide to travel, its like adding an extra layer of smoke and a few mirrors to the already seemingly endless space that is your brain. the mid twenty scramble, considering i came to "the world's last shangri la" has been simultaneously (WAY MORE) mellow that the usual mid twenty scramble might be....but in infinite ways, its been (WAY MORE) insane as well. i avoided some of the expected responsibilities a 25 year old takes on...and took on quite a few that most normal people don't encounter in their entire life. which is fine. getting your world flipped upside down, only a few months after you had finally found some equilibrium is a great adventure!

talking with my family more frequently these last few days has been lovely, but of course it makes things more difficult too. its easy to go about a different self and life when you are able to dettach from the life you moved away from...when you're able to let it go for a while. as i go about all this madness, sometimes its much easier to just seperate myself from things and make the reality i've been searching for. there's an endless number of surprises you can discover within yourself and about the world when you allow yourself to release and be released. when you allow yourself to exist somewhere wholly. (but its a bit selfish isnt it?)

...i'm afraid its always been easy for me to float into things and forget MY ACTUAL reality. it's not necessarily that i'm unhappy in my own reality...it just seems more honest to allow yourself to be in other realities. not other people's realities, simply other realities. (of course, our own reality is not singular...its always relative...so other people's realities are often times the every only...

so...after this long rant, i cant help but ask myself...your mid twenties will be finished soon, so, xoch, what on earth will you do?!

i'm going to refuse to answer that question. all i know is that this 'addition xoch' is wonderful and i'm thankful i had an opportunity to find her-even if that opportunity has involved a very insane, difficult, crazy, FANTASTIC adventure on the other side of the world. the most lovely face of 'addition xoch' is the one who realizes just how humongous everything is...and how miniscule some of these things are, these things that have spent a great portion of time trying to get the 'home xoch'.

and the final question...shall i continue the adventure?

i'll answer this question the way i usually answer difficult questions:

of course i would love to continue the adventure...but i don't know if i will have to continue it so far away from home. while i thoroughly enjoy my brother's ridiculous antics being delivered to me via (mysterious and shady) cyber waves and it fills my very soul with delight to see my mother's lovely faces (they carry the truth of life) in the corner of the cyber frame...i much prefer seeing them laugh when they ACTUALLY laugh (not five seconds later). i'm certain there's a balance somewhere out there....maybe i'll find it when i return...to the other side of planet earth...where my home is.

maybe i'll find it when that something i'm counting on...tells me "xoch, its time to return"....

a pink porcelain rose sits gently
resting in coiled aluminum

the night is bitter and moist
and those things dont usually exist
(beside one another)

such whatisit cant be shown
it cant be grabbed or touched

the nothingness that moves it
is so full of everything
(bursting at its seems)

numbing light gathers
it waits and floats splitting the thinness of the air making tiny pieces that carry minutes hours seconds

mumbles in whispers in laughter
ruthless relentless resignation

(of my voice and sound and stare.

listen carefully now.

after all this i'm only knee deep. watching black mountains turn to white, grey walls go moist in rain. pipe work takes things down below the surface...pipe work takes things out of my sight. my legs are crossed, i wear my grandmother's jogging jacket. she's been gone for a long time now. long time now. after all this, i wonder if she can still see me.

a stout horn honks...calling some someone out of their house. it honks and honks and honks. makes me realize the kind of person i might be.

sound of a numb television beeeeep hum thumps behind me, the men laugh outside as they feed their hunger. tiny specks of light catch drops of water bouncing from a blue car hood as drops of rain soflty land on a layer of water. the neighbors are collecting wood. they'll soon build another building. yet another building.

i can hear someone breathing. and then there's the old woman...graced with turquoise and coral. she smiles at me everyday. she sits in sun, counting counting counting. she's always wrapped in red... and the map of her life is etched into the dark wrinkled skin of her face. she smiles all the time.

i keep wishing i could see you on the street. magically walking up to me. we could go for a drive. i'd show you all the places where i cried when i first landed here. we could laugh together at the silly way we are. humans are so funny. maybe i could show you the turtle...or the spot by the river i found one day when all was mad and i was sad. the spot where blue water seperates from brown and gathers in a tiny pool. the way your eyes would do when light would catch their souls. i went there and thought of you. went there and wondered. about. you.

after all this i can't see the things i used to see everyday. saw the truth in my momma's eyes last night. they told me i should have thought more. they told me i knew what i was doing...somewhere in here i knew what i was doing. they told me i knew it was time. they asked me, kindly and with tremendous silence...to listen carefully now.

have you ever seen someone so.....? so lovely? i keep wishing i could see you on the street...magically walking up to me.

i'm too scared to write it for myself..so i'll write it all for you.